[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Oh we’ve met.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too